The best revenge is premature balding
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize