It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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