Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
