Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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