My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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