speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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