I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize