My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
