So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
