I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
