did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
