He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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