At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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