oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
