Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
