if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The Olympian is in my bed
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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