You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
