i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
