I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
