1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
