Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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