high people should be assigned attendants
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
