you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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