Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
two words...techno handjob
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
