i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
