i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
