tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I smell stomach acid.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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