Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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