i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
