everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
