I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
