remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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