her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
