yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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