Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
