The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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