I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize