im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
