my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
