It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
