he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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