So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
