I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
