i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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