If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
