I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize