I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
