I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
