if you like me you must not know who I am
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
