yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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