She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My vagina is officially offended.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I love you. Go after that dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
