And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize