you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
