I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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