Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize