Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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