its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
