I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
two words...techno handjob
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
