Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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