Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
