WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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